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Elysium · 11:12 PM

I just don't know right now.

At my last appt with T, some stuff came up about possible SA. There were definite boundary violations between my father and I, and I was certainly uncomfortable...but didn't know how to express my discomfort. Now I am wondering if more happened than I am remembering?

In T, we got to a point where one of my little parts was discussing how we would go in the jacuzzi with our father, at night and we would watch for shooting stars and satellites. Then we remembered that there were times when the father wouldn't wear clothes in the jacuzzi...and that he would let us walk on him and he'd hold us in his lap....

Then we broke down and our little part said that she couldn't remember and sobbed that she didn't want to talk about it anymore. This was Saturday....this whole weekend...it's like we haven't existed...we are stuck in little land and she is hurting and scared. All of us are.

I don't know what to believe of myself. Most of the physical abuse and emotional abuse I have fragmented photographic snapshots in my mind...and I trust them to tell me that what I went through was real. This is different though...

How is it that my mind has fragmented my memory of the physical abuse and emotional abuse and allowed me snapshots of it in my mind...yet only my body can remember the potential SA I experienced at the hands of my father? I say potential SA because I have no snapshots of it....but my body remembers. My body has ghost feelings....like being able to still feel your foot six months after having it amputated. My body feels sensations that I do not believe I have ever experienced before and I don't know why. I don't know what they mean.

I don't know if these body memories are enough to conclude that it occurred. Why can't I have snapshots...that way I would be more certain. Not that I really want it to be certain.

It hurts so bad. I "feel" (sensory) like it happened. And have limited evidence that supports it...but then again not really. I'm so confused.

How do I get over this hurdle. How do I validate these sensory memories when I don't have a visual memory to back it up.

Sorry for the redundancy....I am just emotionally in shock right now and I don't know if I can believe myself...or if I even should.

But would my own body lie to me?