My T keeps saying that I will start feeling better if I allow myself to really FEEL the feelings that come up, especially in regards to my childhood and the relationship with my mom. I have spent the 2.5 years in therapy saying that I had a good childhood, with loving parents...but I avoid contact with my mom. I talk to her regularly, but I never let her in. When we see each other, it goes ok, but if it goes any "deeper" than the surface is usually when I fele like crap.

I don't know. I was talking to my T last week about how I feel a connection to my aunts, and this one (vague) memory I have where I followed around my one aunt, attached to her side, one week on vacation. My family always goes to the Adirondacks every year, and this particular year my mom didn't go. I vaguely remember basking under the attention of my aunt.

I don't even know if this is TRUE! I told her about how I remember hanging out with her, and then I shut down. I said it felt wrong, and I didn't want to talk about it anymore. She pointed out the pattern of me shutting down whenever I get too close to any emotions by saying it is wrong, or berating myself or something. That the only way to feel better about the relationship I have with my mom is to go there. That it isn't blaming, but the reality of what happened.

She said if I let myself feel whatever comes up, that it will make me feel better and improve the relationship I have with my mom...but I don't believe it. Why would me feeling sad about what I may have missed with my mom going to make me feel BETTER now?

Any insight?