{{{{{{{{Wendy}}}}}}}}}}}}

I wish I was closer to you and the others here in terms of distance. It would be nice to have you all in my life in person as well as online.

It's bad - I admit it. If I didn't type, I would just completely give up and end it all.

Like I said to Heather, the good part of me died 10 years ago. Alex is NOT an only child - he is actually one of 5 boys. The oldest is 22. The youngest one then was only 28 days old and I was still nursing him. I lost my other boys because of my ex-husband. I have had no contact with them since that time. Please understand that is not by my choice. I mention this only so it sheds some light on my extreme love for Alex and for my freezing of emotions otherwise.

I can't open that door and talk about my other children - it's basically a sealed spot. No one knows about them in 3D (my husband does and uses it to hurt me constantly). I had a breakdown then and it took a long time for me to be able to go any place where there were children - I carried my baby's blanket with me everywhere and thought I heard them all the time.

The only person that has ever accepted me for who I am is my T. It's been so good to have that anchor and now it is gone. I am lost.