I just submitted this to the Ask The Therapist thing, but I'm curious to know what the people on this board think. Maybe I'm not the only one who feels this way...

I've had mental health issues (primarily severe depression) since I was 10 (I'm 26 now), and I was diagnosed with bipolar II disorder about six years ago. I've been hospitalized twice for depression, although there were a few other times when I probably SHOULD have been in the hospital. Despite being very good about taking medications and following the treatment plan, I've never been very stable. I still get very depressed or hypo/manic at least twice per year (sometimes 4 or more times in a year)... but that's a different issue.

Despite how rough life has been for me emotionally, I've done fairly well for myself, and I'm now pursuing a challenging graduate-level professional degree in the medical field. I've always prided myself on my independence and success, because I've seen how devastating bipolar can be. I could have let it ruin me, but I am fighting tooth and nail to keep my life in MY control. Sometimes it's a really tough battle, but despite the bumpy ride, things are going okay.

However, ever since I was young, I have fantasized about and even craved a situation in which I am powerless and must rely on others to take total care of me and my life. These feelings are particularly strong when I am moderately depressed (and with more severe depression my thoughts turn overtly suicidal). Usually I imagine some kind of severe injury... I even find myself HOPING it will happen. It's just morbid thoughts - I don't particularly want to die, but it's like I'd be willing to deal with the physical pain if it meant that I would be freed from all responsibilities for a while AND be cared for by others.

I am rather ashamed of these thoughts. My life is going pretty well, all things considered, so why in the world do I keep fantasizing about something horrible happening to me?? I don't want anyone to know that I feel this way. It's embarrassing. It's needy and manipulative and pathetic and I hate it.

I would love to hear your thoughts on the matter, as these desires are moderately distressing to me. Thank you so much for your time.

Do you ever feel this way? ...is this normal? ...or should I bring this up with someone? I'm only kinda depressed right now and I'm mostly annoyed that I keep having these thoughts because they're so contrary to everything I stand for.

What are your thoughts?