My parents are in town visiting right now, and it's always a stressful time for me. i feel so divided. On the one hand, i'm glad to see them and love them. on the other hand, i have this deep pain inside due to issues i have that relate to them. it's hard and messes with my head.

in therapy, it has been really hard to acknowledge that i have pain or anger toward my parents. i feel guilty talking about their weaknesses or failings. i feel like a bad daughter. it's just easier to feel like i'm wrong, to think i see things wrong, instead of blaming them for anything. even though deep down it also feels like i'm denying my true feelings.

in therapy, my t tells me to feel my feelings, to acknowledge them. and sometimes, i have done this, and my pain came up and my t comforted me. and at the timme, there was some relief, and i felt like i was being real to myself.

but as soon as i see my parents again, i deny my pain all over again. a part of me says i'm just being a baby, and exaggerating things that happened. . .that what happened to me as a child wasn't "that bad," that other people had it much worse, and that anybody else would have breezed through my childhood no problem. Because it wasn't physical abuse, it was only emotional abuse or neglect, and even my SA with my neighbor could have been worse, and i don't have any justified reason for my pain or issues. especially if my mom is nice to me, i feel like a traitor and have such shame i feel like self-harming. and when i tell myself that, then i feel that i am being a good daughter, and the guilt eases, but i also feel that i've killed a part of myself inside (or that part of me is dying).

i don't know what to do, because i feel that i am stuck and it is a two-edged sword, because either i take my parents' side, or i take my pained inner child's side. And either way makes me feel bad. And i don't know how to see it right.