I have gone on vacation with my partner to visit her sister. We've enjoyed some fun activities. But it is not relaxing and I wish I was not so anxious. I read an interesting article today about how some who have autism often feel as though they are "aliens" in a world of "neurotypical" humans. I have often had this "alien-like" feeling in my life and it was really with me today. I just don't know how to react to certain people and my partner's sister is one of them. Her general demeanor is extremely serious and moody (seeming very tense and anxious) even while on holiday, but this mood is punctuated by moments of occasional lightness or happiness. Whenever she is serious and moody it effects me like a ton of bricks. I think today it was worse as well because I slept only like four hours last night.
I grew up with a mom who could be tense and angry and slam things around at any time - and when you're a kid you just assume it's your own fault. And usually she made it seem like my fault even when it wasn't. I just had to go around trying very hard to fix everything. So when someone else acts this way I just don't know how to go about my business and not completely tense up and react. I don't know how to understand that it's not my fault or not related to me (I know it's not because I haven't done anything except be a good guest. Plus my partner has told me this is just how her sister is.)
I feel like the way I react to other people makes me an alien. Like being with them heightens my senses 400% and by the end of the day I am completely worn out and stressed. I mean, we all spent all day together.
I just want to know how long it is going to take me to stop tensing up whenever I'm with other people. It wears me out. Even during this trip I was day dreaming about how comfortable I would feel if I was alone. Lonely, yes (I guess it's a catch-22) but so much more free and comfortable. Free and unburdened by someone else's moodiness. When I am with that person and become overtired or triggered it becomes like weight upon weight on my shoulders relating with them. I can't seem to feel free (unless completely alone).