True, Sannah. I did bring my journal to T today, in which I spoke frankly about my strong temptations, hating life, hating myself, etc. I also shared my fear of being hospitalized with my T.

My T did agree that he's surprised that I haven't begun to feel a little better too. He went on to add that I have very deeply rooted self-hate. I cannot accept compliments, and automatically characterize myself as being "evil". Despite whatever good things that I do, I am unwilling to call myself a decent or worthy human being.

We did go on to talk about my childhood ~ which was crazy & unsupportive. My thought was that I could possibly get past these emotions and let go if my parents and brother apologized to me for the pain they've caused. However, my parents and brother will not apologize ~ I've tried already a couple of times. So, it's up to me to let go of these core feelings.

I don't know how to let go. My T doesn't know either. But, he thinks that if I focus my thoughts on something I can control (what I dwell on), I can gain some closure in that way. Just a hypothesis...but it's better than going on like I have been.