You are not alone. I totally relate! I too want to be cared for. I cycle once or twice a week. The manias are dampened but the depression hasn't come up to normal yet. I ache to be cared for during my worst days each week. This week I wished my husband would check me into the hospital and that the staff would drug me into a stupor. Of course, I'm not sick enough to be admitted right now and they wouldn't put me in a stupor unless I had some serious co-occuring conditions. When I draw a bit closer to the pit of depression, well, then I want the lights to go out forever and I don't care how--I just can't bear the pain--but I keep pushing through my days. It hurts deeply. Yes, I can relate. You are not alone. Doesn't it seem as though we are always fighting ourselves?

I pray, I believe, and I ask God to help. I know He doesn't condemn me for how I feel; not even for wanting life to end. I know He understands my brain is faulty. I try to hang on because I know this is a hurdle in my life and I am expected to overcome and master it to the best of my ability.