Like treehouse, I had a 90min session w/my T this week. I did like the longer time, it let me really get into some deep feelings and still have time to get grounded at the end. But, oh man. It was soooo hard.

I cried, a tiny bit, which never happens. I am waiting and waiting for the day when I can cry about this stuff we're working on. I think crying, even a tiny bit, this week was a step in that direction.

I remember telling T how bad I feel about dumping my story on her, I said: "it's such a mess, nobody wants to think about that. Nobody should have to look at that. It's like making someone look at a dead body." And that's when I cried, and looked at her, and said "I'm sorry. I'm sorry!"

I wish I had the exact words she said to me then, I was so lost in my head that I don't remember it all but she said I never have to apologize for telling her things, and that she is honored that I trust her that much.

I told her things, just a couple small (seeming) details that are freaking me out now. I feel so dirty and ashamed and GROSS for telling her. It was just about some of the physical things I went through as I was healing from the SA. But it feels so gross, like I want to throw up when I think about her knowing that, about anyone knowing that, about me.

I am torn between wanting to call her to tell her how bad that feels and just thinking I'll get over it and I should just suck it up.

anyway, I haven't looked at my notes that I wrote after the session yesterday but that's what stands out right now. It was long, and hard, and good in that "wow, this hurts, but I know I need to do it and I think I CAN do it" kind of way.