(rattie = rat, just so y'all know. )

Today I said goodbye to Allan, my second oldest rattie. The only rat who licked me more than any dog I've ever know or met. Also the only rat that I've accidentally called "her/she/girl" more than once, poor effeminate rattie. I love you Mr. Licky McRat, aka Licky Fuzzybutt.

He was dealing with congestive heart failure, so said the vet. His heart was also beating horribly erratically so there was nothing that could be done at that point medically to prolong his life. So I had him put out of his misery, helping him to end his pain.

The vet was very nice to me, let me make the decision to have him gassed and then he was given the needle. I was there (I really shouldn't have been in hindsight) until the end.

I didn't take home his body with me (nowhere to bury him) and I didn't ask to keep his ashes. He's going to be cremated by the vet, and his ashes added to a communal urn of all of those animals who've passed on to the world beyond this one. Which I do believe there is.

Oh GOD it hurts. so. freaking. much. I've lost family pets before, but this hurts so much more since he was entirely my responsibility. He's my boy. I didn't lose it in the vets office, but I had a meltdown on the bus to school (I met with some friends since I knew I couldn't be alone) and had a meltdown at school and at a couple of other points since Saturday when I knew he wasn't going to be around much longer. I just wish the vet had been open yesterday so I could have helped him then, animals seem to know when it's a) after hours or b) a weekend or holiday to get very very sick.) *sigh*

Now I'm home and the first thing I see is that Miles & James (my other two boys) were curled up together. They basically want nothing to do with each other usually, so I think they know. It hurts so much.

I think the boys are dealing with this better than I am. Both of them have been licking me a lot and being more affectionate than they normally are. I think they already knew what was happening and accepted it (or are accepting it) much better than me who is still crying too much.

Why do I have to love a creature with an insanely short lifespan?!

It's not fair.

<3 <3 <3 RIP Allan, I love you and always will. I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be. (I love that book).

I'll post some pictures in Pets, I don't want to get all sorts of spammy here.



Edit: Photos are now posted in Pets, link here: http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?p=1382425