{{{{{Hi you guys}}}}}. Thanks for this thread. It is so comforting to have kindred spirits out there. How would I ever have gotten the chance to hear all these stories if it wasn't for the internet and this 'godsend' of a forum? I'm feeling very grateful. Okay, so at risk of offending some of you (and please know that I am not intending offense as i respect all religions, I just had a really creepy and harmful experience with Catholicism), I am going to share my theory... I have no idea if it has any merit, it could just be my own perception of ritualistic religions.

At any rate, here's my theory: I think being raised in the Catholic church had a little something to do with my brain locking onto obsessions and compulsions and developing OCD. I realized that the Catholic religion taught me that if I didn't do this and that, or if I did do this and that, that something bad would happen. There I sat in the hard, uncomfortable pew every Sunday morning in a dark, creepy church (except for the stained glass windows), with heavy, blood red drapes behind the altar and this poor innocent murdered man hanging there nailed to the giant 10-foot cross, with blood dripping down his face and a look of pure agony in his eyes... okay, you get the picture-- utter confusion and horror for a child to have to process. So anyway, the rituals, the guilt, the fear, the shame, the confusion... my (and possibly other people's) brain chemistry... and suddenly something was telling me that something bad would happen if I didn't say my prayers when the clock numbers were OO, 15, 30 or 45. If I got in bed at 8:02, for instance, I had to force myself to stay awake until 8:15 and then I could start my prayers. They had to be in the exact same order and if I drifted off to sleep before 8:15, my brain would somehow alert me and I would wake up at, you guessed it 8:16!! Then I'd have to stay awake until 8:30 and start then. UGH!!! I can't believe all the sleep I missed and all the anxiety and all the stress I went through. And I never even thought of the possibility of telling anyone or asking my mother if this was normal. I wouldn't know where to begin... with a child's vocabulary and immaturity... oh, man, this is painful to remember... I'm literally getting a headache and a heartache wishing I could go back and hug my 9 year old self and tell her that I could help her. But I didn't learn what OCD was until I was 27 years old! I had no idea that this was a 'disorder'! Oh, the regret... sorry... I'm doing a little stream of conciousness thing here, probably cuz I'm not in therapy right now and I need to get some of this out. Thanks for being here for me, all of you who are reading this and feeling compassion right now. I am picturing it, and it's helping me.

Okay, so anyway. Wow. That was heavy. I totally just re-lived some of that stuff that I hadn't given myself permission to dwell on.

Yeah, so about the religion thing... what do you think? Could there be a link? You have probably guessed that as soon as I was able to decide for myself, I left the Catholic church and tried to get those scary images out of my head. I am terrified of so many things that I can link back to images and words I first learned as a member of the Catholic religion. I find it fascinating that my mother, along with millions of others, get such comfort from this religion...

Again, I don't mean to offend anyone. I do respect all religions. I feel that spirituality is a personal thing and that none of us have the right to judge or condemn anyone's choice of religion. We are all free to choose to worship or not to worship whoever and whatever we are drawn to.

Thanks for reading this and peace to all my fellow OCD sufferers. May we one day soon be able to get through a day without tapping, counting, checking, washing, reciting, thinking, thinking, thinking, worrying, worrying, worrying, obsessing, obsessing, obsessing, compulsing, compulsing... (Jane, stop this crazy thing-- I wanna get off!)

Love,
Kelly