I found myself not wanting to go this coming Friday, because its the last session for a week. After 6yrs a week isn't a long break from T now, but today I still felt all those feelings I push away rise back up again and this happened at work, I wanted to cry and yet again pushed it all down again, but played the thoughts over and over in my mind, if T cared she wouldnt be going, and the anger in my chest thinking about it and I thought about T and thought even if I protested at how painful it is for to take time off she would do what she normally does and smile gently and simply say "yes", and I dont want to hear that because it feels as if she doesn't care, but then I have to keep thinking over the whole relationship and I know intellectually she cares and I know if I continue to protest and tell her she doesn't care, she'd say that she can't contradict me because the belief is so planted in my head.

I think today I felt the first painful unwinding of the planting, its hard to see that I can't be contradicted, I find it so painful having my twisted beliefs challanged, I thiink this is one of the hardest parts of therapy, having your twisted beliefs contradicted and confronted and coming to find whats real, even if whats real isn't how I want it to be. I guess this is how young children learn that their mothers are the ones that feed them, hug them, and also take time out and still be the same person, I find it hard to see this in anyone, I feel like A baby sucking mothers breast and refusing to wait whilst she changes breast.