Don't mind me... i'm kind of on a personal mission and i figure maybe what i am doing would be the right words, at the right time for someone out there.

something really shifted for me recently... a month or so ago, even T noticed it. i've been pondering just what and how and i'm not completely sure, but i knew i was at a real low and i had to do something. i think my best guess at what affected me is really grasping that i have been exisiting with the sole purpose of survival and nothing else. i stopped living, if i ever did, and i had been 100% just existing. Fighting to survive but not living.

in short bursts, that is essential sometimes, but don't delude yourself into thinking it is how is has to be for longer than that... living with nothing else but survival kills your spirit from the inside out and eventually you lose the fight to survive even. It's a catch 22. You sacrifice living so you can survive and eventually surviving isn't worth it.

in the depths of crisis and despair it is essential to find ways to live, regardless... to find small pieces of meaning and nurture your soul. Even Frankl says that and he was in a concentration camp... it doesn't get worse than that, but he believed in the power of meaning and living.

living isn't about what you have or status or anything... living is about how you look at the world and what joy you choose to take in... yes, CHOOSE to take.

i started looking for anything that brought me any shred of happiness or positive feeling. It didn't take long for me to see the power in this. Has it made my situation better? Nope. i'm still dirt poor with few prospects, recovering from surgery and i still have a giant gap in my life where love should be. The difference is how i am viewing all of it.

i could cry for hours over how unloved and unwanted i feel. i could... sometimes i do. But i think that is neglecting something important, it isn't all about what love we are given, it has a lot to do with what love we give. i have my dogs and i have people i love very much, regardless of what they give back to me. When i think about how much i love the dogs i feel something better inside, something that can outshine the sorrow if i let it.

that's just it... i think i let my own sorrow block out the positives... like an umbrella.

i'm taking real joy in the fact that i care about people and in the love i have for my dogs and i am seeing sweetness in the kindnesses people show me rather than just seeing the bitterness of what i don't have.

to me now.. really living means finding things that soothe the sorrow, give me something positive, a smile, anything. It means trying to take the time to just enjoy what i'm eating instead of cramming it in over the sink while i hurry off to do something i have to do to survive. It sounds trite, but it's really powerful.

the world has so much joy in it... the sun is shining... being able to notice that sunshine and feel appreciation for it is living.

i don't want to feel sad at the beginning of each day and i don't want to go to bed each night feeling just grateful that it's over.

so tell me... if you could start living today, what would that look like? What does living mean to you? If money were no obstacle, what would you do with yourself? Meaning... if the fight for survival were not necessary, what would you spend your emotional energy on? And, to the more realistic situation, assuming that for most money is a pretty big obstacle, what can you do in your small sphere today that would give you one shred of something positive? What small thing can you do to live right now?

peace..