You totally made my day Truly.. thank you!

my mother did some of that.. lived through her kids, but i don't know that she really ever lived, even then. i don't think she stopped worrying about the negative "what-if's" long enough to ever see the "what is." It's good that you see this... and see how you once lived but now do not, seeing it is a gift because you can try to change it.

i don't know if you have read Frankl's book "Man's Search for Meaning" but please do if you have not. You'll have to excuse the old-school way it's written due to the era, but it has a lot of insight that i haven't seen anywhere else. i appreciated his stance on "honoring suffering" and finding meaning. i was able to find ways to give myself credit for the obstacles i have struggled with, rather than just feel as though i had to smear a smile over pain.

validating one's pain is as important as anything, one cannot overcome what one cannot acknowledge

life after the kids move on... i don't know how to tell you to find how to live now, but you seem to be in the right mindset, for sure. The things you mentioned are exactly the right direction... that part is taking the time to appreciate the small pieces of happiness around us. So many things give us shreds of happiness but our minds don't see them collectively. Researchers say that people are generally happier than they seem to realize they are.. that's why we tend to see that happiness in hindsight when something bad happens. If we can train ourselves to actively register it consciously more in the moment, we can feel better generally.

i'm anxious to hear where you take this