As some of you know, I have a "dual identity" as both a survivor and an abuser. I don't like that word, and I would love to distance myself from it as much as possible, preferring instead to use a phrase like "someone who occasionally struggles with some abusive behavior." It wouldn't be any less true, but it is less personal, and quite honestly I would like it to be less personal. But if it's less personal, I identify with it less. And I can't afford to do that if I want to change and become a better person. It has to be personal; it has to be in my face for awhile just like being a survivor is personal and in my face. Neither identity defines me as a whole, and my hope is that through therapy they will not define me for eternity, but they are both currently a part of who I am. I don't like it, but it's reality, and wishing it away won't work.
I don't want to get into a debate here over research and statistics concerning whether or not abusers can change. That's not why I'm here. I'm here not as a statistic but as a real person, someone you can communicate with, someone who struggles with many of the same therapy-related issues you do as fellow survivors. I go through intense periods of both positive and negative transference, I feel lost and abandoned when my therapist goes on vacation, I wish he could take me home with him on weekends, and I get upset and angry when he doesn't give me something I think I need from him. I'm sure those issues sound familiar to many of you.
But I have an additional set of issues that probably make some or many of you uncomfortable. Some of you may even wish that I would disappear and never return. I understand that. But I'm here because I need support for my therapy-related issues just like you do. I'm here because I want to give support to others by sharing what I've learned in therapy myself. I'm here because I need a place to belong, a place to fit in, a place where I can share the joys of therapy (yes, there are some!) as well as the pain.
And so I'd like to ask you to give me the same chance to fit in as you gave me before you knew of my dual identity. You may see me differently now, but I'm still the same person that I was when I posted here 3 days ago, 3 weeks ago, and 3 months ago. What's different is what you know about me. What's different is that what you know about me might make me a little more real in ways that make you uncomfortable. But just like you, I can't heal if I'm desperately trying to hide a part of who I am. I can't change my own behavior if I pretend it doesn't exist. And when I intentionally omit a part of who I am as I interact with you, then I'm not being fair to you, either. I'm here for a chance to heal, a chance to be real. And isn't that why we're all here?