I seem to have developed an embarrassing pattern with my T. I have a triggering event, I act like I am fine, then I email my T later with what I call emotional vomiting... huge rants about yukky things.

I have done this twice. The first time I had just had a miscarriage, felt sick from the H1N1 vaccine, and was feeling absolutely horrible emotionally. So I act like things are okay in T (which I thought I was ok), then go home and write this huge email confessing s******* thoughts and such. Then I was so embarrassed! Facing T after that was AWFUL and I thought I would die or vomit or something. I didn't die or vomit but I did get a very direct question about S******* thoughts and intent.

OOPS I did it again today. What would have been my due date is coming up...June 5. Four of my friends at work are having babies in may or June. Yesterday in T I felt okay, and actually was happy about getting clothes that fit. I am very tall and finding clothes that fit is hard! My new jeans are so long I can wear heels with them... I told my T about how my hubby and I joke about my hypersexuality while on zoloft. If he threatens to put zoloft in my drink, I tell him to buy Viagra so he can keep up.... My T says that is a sign of acceptance and that many of her clients never get to that point.

I got home and ended up with migraine and a stomach bug. I feel like crap today and emotionally vomited all over an email to T today. I basically ranted on to her about how she shouldn't think I have accepted having bipolar, that I hate myself when i take my meds, that my dreams are all dead, that I will never be allowed to be the mom I wanted to be, just huge emotional dumping that I didn't realize was in there.

I thought she wouldn't reply until this evening when she usually reads email. I even said in the email I knew she would want to address this next week in session. I forgot that she has a different schedule on Wednesdays and reads her emails at noon. CRAP!!!! She replied that she wants to respond but she wants it to be in person ( I knew that).

Now I am in trouble....