I just would like to be able to feel again. Right now everything is either 1) just okay, 2) not okay or 3) my mind takes me to where I can no longer mentally and emotionally function and I want to and need to die. I expend a huge amount of energy trying to stay out of #3. I cycle between these 3 categories every week. And this is a huge improvement over what I've been dealing with for over many years. We finally acheived this lovely "stable" non-emotional state in February this year. I should be thankful, I know because I used to cycle wildly prior to this year. But I want to feel love and affection and happiness. I want to feel what it is to hate injustice and cruelty again. I guess what I'm really saying is TO LIVE IS TO FEEL, TO EXPERIENCE OTHERS AND I CAN'T FEEL. I CAN'T FEEL - I can't cry, I can't laugh. There is no joy, no pleasure. Everything is plain flat. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. There is no desire for anything or anyone, not even my kids (grown) or grandkids (small) and that's really what made me realize something is terribly wrong with me. I know I love them--I'd give my life or my limbs for them--but I FEEL NOTHING except #1, #2, #3 or occasionally anxiety.