wow, googley. Maybe you are right. All these years, it's just been me and him who knew about it. In my head, anyway. Obviously there were doctors and nurses and police officers who knew, but I didn't think of them, forgot that whole aftermath for so so so long. But maybe in my head, all along, I knew it wasn't just ME who knew the truth, and that is where the WE comes from. Either way, if it's WE or I, there was no talking about it. And I think that is why it's so hard now, why I feel so bad and wrong right now. Because I'm violating that rule that I lived by for years and decades. And I know I have to violate it, I have to tear down that wall, but like I told my T last night, sometimes I fear all my walls are what's holding me up. Without the walls, what will I be??

I'm starting to have some hope, some dreams, some plans for the future. And that is scary, so scary. If I had no hopes and dreams, I had nothing to lose. If I start thinking I will have a future, it can be just another thing for me to lose.

this is so hard.