wow, googley. Maybe you are right. All these years, it's just been me and him who knew about it. In my head, anyway. Obviously there were doctors and nurses and police officers who knew, but I didn't think of them, forgot that whole aftermath for so so so long. But maybe in my head, all along, I knew it wasn't just ME who knew the truth, and that is where the WE comes from. Either way, if it's WE or I, there was no talking about it. And I think that is why it's so hard now, why I feel so bad and wrong right now. Because I'm violating that rule that I lived by for years and decades. And I know I have to violate it, I have to tear down that wall, but like I told my T last night, sometimes I fear all my walls are what's holding me up. Without the walls, what will I be??

I think your walls have supported you to get to where you are now (gotten you through so much that has been so hard), and so as you take them down, you will be able to build yourself up as you take them down so that you can support yourself. You wont need the walls to support you. But it will be a slow process to do it. To bring them down and build up at the same time. But I believe you can do it.

I'm starting to have some hope, some dreams, some plans for the future. And that is scary, so scary. If I had no hopes and dreams, I had nothing to lose. If I start thinking I will have a future, it can be just another thing for me to lose.

I have this same fear. That if i hope for something better then I will leave myself open to being hurt. But without hoping and dreaming there isn't an opportunity for something good to happen. I know it is harder to do than it is to say.

this is so hard.