I was just fuming through the whole session. Because T thinks shes going to make a breakthrough, but doesnt realize that Ive been through this whole "Were going to change" thing...and it always goes back to normal or worse...like it already has. Im almost too exhausted to post. My mother fooled a T with 20 + years experience...and now she feels extra powerful. Great. Now shes enforcing her rules and permissions 100% more. Yesterday, she was sending me up and down the stairs three floors yelling and screaming ...and her new rule is that if she tells me to do something...I cant stop doing it until she gives me permission. And since she knows now I have no therapist to turn to, shes feeling super powerful. Its not just with me either...Im the main target, but everyone in my house lives in a way to avoid confrontation with her.

Heres what I remember in the session:



Mom: I want you to heal, I want you to get better..that way we can have a happy peaceful life and we can heal together. I want to see you happy. Im sorry for all the mistakes I made. Im trying so hard to be better. I want you to realize how talented and what a good kid you are...you are so good.

Me: (thinking: "Hmm, I guess thats why yesterday you told me I was stupid...and when I said I wasnt. You said YES YOU ARE...oh and I guess thats why when I asked you if my sister was your favorite daughter you said YES...hmm)

Mom: tell Dr.B and me whats making you so angry ..
"You see Dr. B..... I am going to say this right here right now, I am not going to get mad later, Im not going to accuse her of anything, ..(then she turned to me) its not your fault honey, nothing is your fault

Dr B: You see? Your mother is opening the door wide open, I think you should take this chance to tell her how you really feel. I can see that your mother is really saying this straight from her heart.

Me: (in my head Im saying :YEAH DR. YOU DONT KNOW THAT THIS ACT WILL ALL BLOW OVER IN A FEW DAYS AND SOON ENOUGH WE WILL BE BACK TO SAME OLD CRAP. SOON I WILL SPILL MY GUTS TO "MOMMY" AND THEN WHATS GONNA HAPPEN? SHELL USE IT SOMEHOW...AND IF SHE DOESNT...I WILL SPEND THE NEXT YEAR OR TWO WAITING FOR HER TO USE IT, I WILL BE WAITING WAITING FOR THE NEXT
TIME)

Dont get me wrong, there were times my T reprimanded my mother, rightfully so. She tried to tell my mom what she did was wrong.

OH yeah, my mom gave herself away at one point...

Mom: "She never cleans her room! shes a monster!, she attacks me, she yells aat me when I call her and I have arthritis, all i need is for her to get my bags because they are too heavy.

Me: (thinking: My mom has been ordering me around since I was 5....WHAT shes had arthritis that long? Does getting a glass from the cupboard also trigger arthritis....how about hitting? I guess she doesnt have arthritis when she has to smack me)

Dr B: (Stops my mom from calling me anything else) Now, Im going to have to stop you right there.

Dr: Well Ms. E (my mom) I know you are a smart woman, and you have to dig deep down in yourself and realize what you may have done to make her be so angry.
I just know that once you two communicate you will be able to take steps to better your relationship. Maybe shes angry and shes lashing out at you because she feels vengeful. All of this, you have to communicate about.

Me: (sitting there thinking in my head.....WHAT IF I DONT WANT A DAMN RELATIONSHIP WITH MY MOTHER!)

Mom: I think shes angry because of her relationship with her father. He was a batterer

Me: (freaking out) MOM... I dont want you to talk about that right now.

Dr. B: (talking to me) Maybe you shouldnt stop your mother so quickly before telling me something, It may help me understand things if they are things that I need to know. That way I can help you....Right?(looking at me)

Me: (Looking down).....silence.... (at this point I sense my mom staring at me)
"Mom, dont look at me, please...please look away"

Mom: "Oh okay...(looks away)"

Dr B.:Look away? Why did you say that?

Me: (feeling guilty for saying it) Because it makes me nervous.

Dr.B : Hmm, I can sense the anxiety, I see it very clearly. Well, Both of you really take some time and work toward being able to communicate, communication is key.
What I would love to see between you two is a breakthrough. Where you two are completely honest, and unafraid to face eachother.

Me: (imagining a scene where my mom is hugging me and suddenly wanting to throw up)

Mom: "She was bullied in school a lot"...

Me: MOM ...PLEASE.

Mom looking at me) Honey, you have to know, there are kids out there just like you, who are bullied and they get so angry they blow up schools and stuff... (looks at me with her concerned eyes) Dont worry, Im not saying you will blow up a school (laughs with T)

Me: (in my head: The bullies must live at home. )

I will tell you all, My T is very sincere, and I saw her intentions. Her intentions are that my mother will be a reasonable adult, and "communicate" and once things are solved...they are solved for the better....

HERES THE KICKER

Dr. B: Now, would you still like to see me next week?

Mom: OF COURSE! ANYTHING TO HELP MY DAUGHTER

Me: (thinking in my head) WHAT THE EFF? THAN WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS THREATENING ME TELLING ME YOUR NOT GOING TO PAY FOR MY THERAPY???!!!


Dr. B: I am going to try my best to help you, but BOTH of you must try.

Me: Im just angry all the time, its my fault, but im not trying to play victim , I dont want you to think im trying to play victim

Dr. B: no, I think both of you need to help eachother, and also...if you keep lashing out at your mother.....at this point..Shes the victim. So you both
need to examine and communicate

The T told my mom to try not to lash out..my mom was nodding and smiling saying "I will try my best " And the T said , you see? you can communicate, you can.

The day right after the session...my mother started calling me stupid...then she told me to do homework with my sister..and if my sister doesnt pass her test it will be my fault... I said "Ill study with her" ..Mom: YEAH you effing piece of crap...like if you effing care!

My poor T doesnt know. and im too afraid of telling. She wanted me to speak up...she wanted me to tell my mom how I really feel. And my mom layed her usual trap...she said "I wont get mad at you honey, I love you".....but I know in my gut that she says that so I will open up about everything....and then soon enough...she can use it later to punish me or taunt me with it over and over...

Even though I disobeyed my T by not speaking up...I was doing it because I know the traps and tricks my mom lays...and if I would have said just a little more, My mom would tear me apart...if not right away...in some sick new game she would make up. My T has no idea what shes dealing with. My mother is a master at stepping on people without them noticing. My priority is not a relationship with my mom, its to be able to keep sane with my mother around. WHY CANT T UNDERSTAND THAT

Im going to regret writing this, since it says so much against my mom....

I love my mom, I just dont understand her...I feel kind of bad writing such mean things.. I just needed to get them out..I might delete this post later idk. Sorry