I'm sorry you're having such a hard time!! It sounds like you have a lot going on and I hope that the doctor will have some answers for you and will be able to get you started on some meds...and that they work for you! Take good care of yourself and post as often as you need!
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From the movie The Hours: "If I were thinking clearly, Leonard, I would tell you that I wrestle alone in the dark, in the deep dark, and that only I can know. Only I can understand my condition. You live with the threat, you tell me you live with the threat of my extinction. Leonard, I live with it too."