Kiya I understand so well what you are saying

Treehouse I think you are right, one of the symptoms of PTSD is believing one will never have a normal life or lifespan, these feelings could defintly go under that catagorey

I feel this way a lot, I feel if I get better, of life gets going in a really good direction, then some disaster is going to happen, I'm going to die, or have something happen to me to ruin the good,

I think the excersice may have been trying to show death isn't a backlash either, and I like how you say it could be to have certain things "die off" such as having sui as a back door opiton to life, I had that too for many years.

err I hope my ramble made sense, I'm in an odd place today.

((((((((((Kiyacat))))))))))))))