I know this is the aftermath, the backlash, of doing such deep therapy on Monday. Knowing that, and knowing I expected it and my T expected it, doesn't help in this moment, though.

My dreams the last 2 nights have been horrible. I don't even remember them all, but it's like doing battle all night and waking up unrested, upset and alone.

Yesterday I didn't leave the house, not even to take my dog out. I didn't get dressed, I just stayed in my pjs and sat on the couch and did nothing but watch TV online and do internet stuff. And ate.

Today I HAVE to get dressed and out of the house. I have to pick up my medication refills, and get some groceries. Then I have to pick up my kids after school and take them out for dinner and then take my youngest to her end-of-the-year bowling party w/her girl scout troop.

I don't want to do any of those things, especially the bowling alley where it is loud and crowded and all the other girl scout moms will be there and wondering who I am b/c my daughter doesn't live with me and so I have never taken her to any girl scout events this year. I am worried about what they will think of me.

And then I just found out that BOTH of my teenage boys have youth court tomorrow because they have been truant so many times. They also live with their dad and I had no idea they were missing school at all. So I feel like I have to go to court tomorrow to support them and to hear what the judge says, but that is another huge anxiety thing for me, going to court and sitting there for hours in the crowded room with all those people.

I just don't feel like I can handle all of this, or any of this. I'm raw and torn open and just want to be alone in the dark to lick my wounds and try to put myself back together somehow. I was starting to feel happy again, and then we started trauma work again, and it all turned to ****. I have no energy or joy or will to do anything at all. I don't know if I can do this work, I really don't.