one of the many things that hurt me is my spouses contempt for my inability to work. he does not believe in d.i.d. he things i just like living alone at home accomplishing very little - as he evaluates life.

it began for me by age 1 or 2 and went on until sometime in my 20's. i had many abusers and lived in fear of death, torture and many other things and all the while i had to get up and go to school and pass for normal - the penalty was too high to mess that up. i got so good at it that while i ALWAYS knew something was wrong i was not dx until my maternal unit died in 1992 and my whole being imploded. it took my T (for the last 15 years) years to convence me i was multiple. i was too afraid of being kicked out by my spouse and losing my 2 loveable daughters. and to be fully honest i just realized it took so long because i was completely and deathly frightened to remember my unspeakable, evil past.

i am surprised i worked as much as i did. i am not a high functioning did anymore. i was in college years(3 years, 15 hours per semester and 20 hours a week working. i left on a 3.45 gpa) and until i had my first child and then - though the evidence had always been there - i began to unravel faster. i left college because one of my alts was afraid we would fail math. 10 years later i took a math quiz on a computer for a job and went through high school algebra and geometry with no refresher courses. so i sabotaged myself and changed my whole life's outcome through fears programmed by my 4th grade satanist teacher.

i never took a job i wanted because i did not know what i wanted, all my efforts had been on survival, not self-actualization. so i did a series of hourly wage offices jobs that i hated and feared because i was always on the verge of being "found out" as a pretender. i'm 57 and still wonder what i will be when i grow up. if i don't find out soon i'll grow up and die in the same month... and my T tells me I am "complicated"; i guess having hundreds of alts does that to a person/s. it turns out that i had a system that "spun out" new alts when they felt we needed one to divert attention or block me from something that might send me into undesirable behavior with sharp objects.

my daughters are not did. thank you, God. but, i'm sure they have some stories to tell. and they DO believe in D.I.D. they would since they saw mommy become leah, a teen and drive like a bat out of hell, or there was mommy who took too much meds trying her very, very, very hardest to perform for daddy and the church and for the two precious children she had to protect from something terrifying she could not quite remember...

i'm stopping here, we know we are ranting. this topic is the title to the book of my life(if we could agree on just one title...lol) the questions of who and what and why i am have tortured my mind on a daily basis. my oldest daughter just called on her way home after a horrific evening stage managing after her day job as a special education teacher. i am so proud of her. she has a genuine heart and an engaging personality - only one thankfully =) the only really hard thing is when i mess up and compare all she does and how freely she seems to do it, i feel even less functional. BUT, i DID give birth to Sarah and bring her and Tina up to the best of my flawed ability, my life feels so small and narrow. oh well, rant is REALLY stopping this time. G'nite all.

Booker