wepow, I'm sorry you're going through this. I can hear your pain and fear.

Could you talk some more about what you mean when you say "I know what it means for a T to 'be there' "?

eta: You mentioned what your s/o wants (to see more of a certain alter) and what your T wants (integration), but what do YOU want? Trying to do whatever it is for someone else isn't going to move you along your path of healing. What does Wepow want?