((((( zoo ))))) For me, I finally "got it" that T saying "I'm available" and "trust me" means the same thing that it meant from anyone else in my life... IDK.... I'm sorry. THIS just cut too deep. I had to "beg" my T to give me what I needed after I had already asked. And I think that triggered me because of the abuse from my ex-H and the whole $*%&# begging thing. UGGG!

As to what I want... well, honestly just silence and void. But if the universe insists on keeping me a part of itself, then at least to not be in agony day after day deep inside my soul... and having to smile and pretend to the universe that I am just fine and dandy... And me not trusting any single soul in the entire universe.... my only trust is in strangers that can not get close enough to touch me in truth.... I can care but only on MY terms. When I try to care and allow someone to care about me, then THIS (what happened with T) happens. It happens time after time after time in every single relationship I have ever had - so it must not be anyone else's fault. It is me. Something deep inside me was broken - maybe my illusion that life could be fun or that love exists somewhere in the universe. I do not mean to be negative but this is what my soul is feeling. It no longer matters I suppose. I will keep doing the breathing and being and play the role of the living for whatever grand master play conductor is running the show... and when sleep finds me... I will no longer hurt. It is not a choice I will make as that failed. But I will not fight it... if that makes any sense.

I feel like in a very strange way that I am taking up space in a universe that should have went to someone else.

Thank you for listening - that means a lot to me, Zoo.