My mind went elsewhere too. the key for me was stopping the sexual acts the second I realized I was thinking of the past instead of staying in the moment. My mind wandering was like a stop sign saying something isn't right here. (The timing, wrong person and so on) If I was alone I would stop the masturbating and so do something else - wash dishes, watch tv and so on. Over time I was able to go farther before having to stop. If I was with someone I flat out told them before we because that intimate that when we did we were going at my speed and sometimes that would require stopping at any point. Basically "no means NO go finish in the bathroom if you need to" Some weren't happy being told that and we never got to having intercourse. Others accepted it and did use my bathroom to finish on their own when needed. Another thing that helped was having my partners talk to me. Hearing that persons voice, and sometimes having sex during the day instead of the night helped to keep me in the present. and am able to reach those fireworks.

Most of the time these things work but there are those times when I can't get there without adding a pain element or borderline abuse inflicted on me. That is what I meant when I wrote in that self injurious behavior thread about social situations. The first person I admitted this to was one of my therapists when I was doing the courage to heal workbook. I was SSOO embarrassed but yet wanted to be honest on the workbook questions so I did the workbook questions and gave them to my therapist and told her NOT to read them until later. I didn't want to be watching her read them. So she put it away and we talked about other things. Then later that night she called me from her home to let me know she had read it and my question of if she thought I was strange and so on. She told me no I wan't. For people who have been basically programmed like I was into accepting pain as good and pleasure as bad it was only natural when daydreaming of patrick swayze that the only way I could reach the top was think of him inflicting pain. Then she said something that was absolutely funny to me - that most people whether they admit it or not like a bit of an edge to their foreplay. It could be a light spank or two, wrestling, nipping, tickling until the person yells stop.. The only difference between them and me is that I have been programmed to enjoy things they only dream about. That programming can be broken just by going slow and experimenting to find out what other things will do it for me.