(This was copied and pasted from another website where I post, under the same username. The only changes are where I took out the board-specific terms and abbreviations and replaced them with the standard words. I brought it here to maybe get a wider variety of observations.)

Has anyone ever received an actual apology from an abuser?

I think I got one once. I was around 10 years old, and being into old books, I had called my younger brother something I thought was only another word for "weirdo." I didn't know there was a different meaning for "queer" until my mother called me to her side, and as soon as I was within her reach, gave me a hard slap in the face. Later she realized I hadn't meant what she thought I'd meant, and apologized--but now that I think of it, I was the one who had brought it up and asked her why she did it. Somehow I doubt she would have *volunteered* an apology, if I hadn't said anything. Also, her exact words were, "It's hard for parents to admit when they're wrong." I took it as a genuine apology because she was leaving open the possibility that she HAD been wrong, and she did look sorry. But, was it a real apology after all?

Usually, I got the "I'm sorry, but..." type of apology. On one occasion my mind had gone blank. Although I could have repeated what she was saying, word for word, those words simply didn't register. I couldn't comprehend what she was telling me to do, and I kept getting it wrong. (There's a fancy medical name for that, other than "brain fart," but I don't know it right now.) Finally, in frustration, she slapped me not once but several times, while yelling at me, "You are such a stupid little girl!" A few minutes later I got, "I'm sorry I slapped you like that, but I was being clear, and you should have understood me." This in a stern tone of voice, her body language disciplinary, bent forward with the pointed finger, as if she was scolding me. Not sympathetic or regretful at all. I didn't accept it then, and I don't accept it now. I can't. It's not an actual apology.

Oh, those slaps... so many over the years. If asked, my mother will say she "might have" slapped me a "couple of times" during my childhood. I assure you there is no "might have" about it, and in addition.... a COUPLE OF TIMES? How about, anytime I said something other than "yes ma'am" when she spoke? Showed an emotion such as, God forbid, anger? Asked a question she couldn't answer without admitting she'd made a mistake somewhere? Vocalized an opinion that differed from hers? She'll justify such things with, "If there's anything I can't stand, it's a smart-aleck kid," which of course she defines as "anyone younger than I am who disagrees with me." Or, like that incident I described above, if I wasn't quick to understand something, I got an angry "Now, THINK!" accompanied by a slap. Maybe I was too *frightened* to think, in such an environment?

And, a conversation we had once on this subject:

Present: Me, my mother, my ex-husband, my daughters, and a mental health professional.

Me: (already carefully choosing my words to paint her in the least damaging light possible) I remember once, you were taking a nap, and you didn't know that J (my older brother) had me pinned down and was tickling me. (My mother herself hates to be tickled, we both consider it physical torture, and I expected her to empathize with me here.) All you heard was E (my younger brother) telling me to be quiet because I'd wake you up, and I'm screaming, "I don't care, I don't care!" Then you came out of your room, slapped my face, and said, "Young lady, you'd BETTER care if you wake me up!"

Mother: (jaw drops) Oh, you have SUCH AN IMAGINATION about those things!

Me: But you didn't know I was being tickled. I'm sure if you had known, you would have....

Mother: But I would never slap you.

My ex: One time my father whipped me with a belt for saying the f-word. I was six years old and didn't know what it meant. He doesn't remember doing it.

Me: It was just a mistake. All parents make mistakes.

Mother: But it's just not my nature. I wouldn't do such a thing.

Denial, denial, denial. I think it's safe to say that everyone in the room believed it happened, except her.