I haven't been able to reply lately but this is me breaking out of that shell.

Tree, thanks for this thread. I think it is incredibly important for us all to see the strides we have taken. The strides you have taken, tree, are so HUGE and this brought tears to my eyes:

I mean, WOW, tree. WOW. That is just so unbelievable and amazing. You have worked soooo hard and you soooo deserve this amazing payoff. Having quiet in your head.. for the first time in your life.. just, wow.

With everything crazy going on right now, I am glad this thread is here to remind me of all the good that has come in my life since starting therapy.

Since I started T, I have been standing up for myself more. I asked for a raise at work! I stood my ground to my ex when he was trying to manipulate me recently. I am prepared to stand my ground to this guy I've been dating - to have the hard conversation, to take a step back and demand commitment before we can go any further. Wow. I am gong to do that. I feel like I am ABLE to do that. I can't explain how HUGE this is for me!

I get out, I socialize. I have fun! I even invite people over to my house! I used to be terrified to invite people over! I've made some friends and gone out to bars and clubs and even danced. My social anxiety is a MILLION times better. It's truly miraculous.

I don't want to die. I'm at the point where I can't imagine EVER choosing to kill myself, EVER. I just don't think that way at ALL anymore.

I am able to begin and finish projects for fun. My OCD in the past kept this from being possible. Even with my flare-up of OCD, I was able to complete a fun project today. Even though things are hard right now, I AM better than I was when I first started therapy!

I'm using self-care after my grandfather's death. I took a personal day off work. I have been exercising and reaching out to my brother.

Best of all, I've started a new relationship..and even though I've let things go a little fast with this guy, I'm not running away now. Instead, I'm doing what I can to CHOOSE the way I act right now - to not let FEAR dictate my every move. In the past, I used to start new relationships and tell the other person RIGHT AWAY all the BAD things about me, to try to get them to leave. Or I used to do rude things or annoying things to try to make them hate me.

It was all running away from intimacy, terrified to trust anyone at all. But I'm not doing that right now. I am using the skills T asked me to try this week. And it's working!!

I'm not acting on my fears. I'm moving through this storm rather than running from it.

And if I get drenched... or struck by lightning even... it doesn't matter.. I cannot run anymore!!!!!!!!! I'm going to do what I WANT to do!