Quote:
Originally Posted by ECHOES
I think this says important things about how you feel and what you want.
You want to feel that you are seen.
You want to feel that you are heard.
You want to matter.
Those are not selfish things at all. They are about your 'self', about wanting to have that 'self' loved, respected, and cared about. It is so healthy to want.
The fantasy that others would suffer with the realization of how much they care about you is created by you as a way of saying to yourself just how much you want these people to care about you and how much it hurts that they don't seem to. What if they do? What if they do but there is something getting in the way of your feeling it or being able to hold onto that feeling. Something in the way they interact with you, or expectations that have that don't match yours.
This kind of fantasy is also a not so obvious revenge fantasy. The revenge for not caring is to take yourself away. Do you currently take yourself away in other ways? I think I do that, and I think it has the same revenge kind of motivation for me. I isolate, avoid social things or attend with lack of presence, etc.
An interesting thought, The Bakery. Will you explore this more in therapy?
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I can't afford to see a therapist, so I often rely on myself or calling my bf hoping he would take my mind off it.... I can't talk to him about these things im too scared how he will react. He said he doesn't want a crazy gf lol... so I dont pretend I just never go deep, he knows I have some issues though, just not beneath the ice...
Anyways, yes I want to matter, all my life I've hated people because I felt like they never gave me a chance and I was always put down in life, but recently I've been very up in spirits, I have no friends, only my bf and alot of the time I feel like I don't matter to him. He kind of ignores me on the phone when I talk about things that interest me... I like things he doesnt like, like my dog and animals, I like to small talk about nothing.
But I listen to him and everything he says, even if im not interested... even when its about his exes or something dumb like that XnX
I just feel so replaceable and unimportant, I know I matter to my bf, but there are moments when I feel belittled.
I have been put down and ignored my whole life, I can't handle that from someone I care for, it drains me, maybe I should mention it next time it happens.... I am great at talking here but in real life I'm a mute when it comes to hope I feel and I'm a little door mat.