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This latest time of unraveling and going to a deeper degree of the trauma has resulted in a couple of things that I don't recall happening before, one of them being physically sick. Although I have had deep, deep, deep inner spiritual revealing and healing this time through my art, I am ill with something I have never had before called sinusitis and it went so far as to affect my memory and my thinking.
I know this sounds minor but because I couldn't think straight (as straight as I am used to) and I was unable to make good self-care decisions, like going to the doctor and stuff. I have since been to two clinics. Now I don't think I was near death but I had a temperature and aches and pains and lots of congestion in my head. I thought the heat/temperature was related to menopause so I didn't pay to much attention to it, thinking this too will pass as it usually does but it was never ending and that started to concern me the most I guess. Then I thought maybe it's age or something and I just never went to the doctor. Finally all those around me who had had a cold etc started to get better and I was really getting worse. But, I noticed my body felt sort of okay it was from the neck up, even my teeth started to hurt and my breath smelled bad. I thought I was dying. Now there have been times lately when I've thought that wouldn't be such a bad thing so I thought maybe this is just the thing. But, something or someone zapped me out of this sort of inward despair type thinking. I got a job interview but so far they have not made a decision. I thought about my grandchildren needing me and even my grown-up children. I thought of the artwork that brought me through the recent flashback of the trauma, along with one of the therapists lending me a book on art therapy for trauma. You all wouldn't believe this piece of artwork! It just speaks of so much!
The prospect of therapy based on what I have to do next was enough to send me to the place that says: "this is too much, I cannot do it".
So, someone lifted me up and I will guess to believe it is my spiritual Director and those here who pray and those therapists who pray because i didn't connect for awhile here. I still was unable to write of this trauma or of these experiences till now. I slept so long under this illness that I have not been able to function beyond the hours in a day.
I not sure who is heading up all this if it is me or who? Sometimes that is not important to know at first but I hope to get together soon. In the meantime I will leave it as being under the auspices of this alter we are aiming for coconsciousness with and be thankful enough for this.
The past really seems to be the key to the present here. There were some very creepy adults in my parents network of friendships and the fact that they entwined around my parents really disturbs me. They came under the guise of friends.
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“Science without religion is lame.
Religion without science is blind.”
Albert Einstein
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