it probably will blow up in my face, and i will have deserved it. all of the posters have given me insight and suggestions, and i thank you for your comments. maybe i do want to have my cake and eat it too. i simply cannot leave someone who is ill because of my selfish needs, and to tell him would crucify him emotionally. i am not willing to do that either.
i have gotten myself into quite a mess. i will say i have felt this way for many years, and never ever done anything about it. why i clicked with this fwb enough to make me decide to do what i have done is something i cannot explain. i have had opportunities in the past, and turned them all down. believe it or not, i am really a very monogamous person, and the guilt is driving me crazy.
yet, i need this "happy place" i have found, and i am not referring to sex. most of the time we just talk and laugh. i think i do need some therapy. i wish i could afford it.
my state ranks 46th in the nation as far as providing mental health counseling for those who cannot pay, and most of that is for substance abusers, which, thank god, i am not.
i feel i am between a rock and a hard place-no pun intended-and really, i just don't know what to do anymore. i work with this person, so totally avoiding him is out of the question. the best i can hope for is that a good job will turn up, which will not only help get us out of the financial quagmire we are now in, but also will make it impossible to see or be with the other person.