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Old May 30, 2010, 09:28 PM
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Medicated Medicated is offline
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Member Since: Apr 2009
Location: Somewhere in the US
Posts: 238
I mentioned in a previous post that my mood has been on the low end of things lately. Well now I'll admit it. I'm depressed. Sorta.

I'm just extremely apathetic about everything. I don't want to study, I don't want to clean, I don't want to socialize, I don't want to cook, I don't want to do anything. I just want to not exist, but the closest I can get is sleeping all day.

I'm not acutely suicidal, but I'll admit to wondering whether any of my medications would be enough to kill me should I overdose (hence the trigger icon). Lucky me(?), I don't think the would, but I'm tempted to find out.

No, I won't do it... but I want to.

I'm more of an apathetic blob than a sobbing wreck. I feel darkness more than worthlessness and the GUILT is what frustrates me most. Guilt because I have time available to accomplish things, but I'm managing to make garden slugs look like busybodies in comparison to me. I have literally done NOTHING (not showering or anything) all day for the past three days, and I don't care. I do, but I don't. I'm tired of hating myself for being a bum, but I'm too "heavy" to do anything about it. I feel trapped by this stupid, crippling depression.

What really sucks about this is that I just returned to grad school after taking a 6-month leave of absence for mental health reasons. I have fought long and hard to get back to where I am, and now I can't force myself to care that I'm about to ruin everything by being lazy.

Why don't I have any willpower? How can I have lived with depression for the past 16+ years and still not developed any coping mechanisms that get me through the day?

I want to talk to my psychologist, but my appointment isn't until Wednesday, and I hate to come off as needy by contacting him between sessions. The last thing I want to do is be an annoying burden.

Part of me wants to be hospitalized again, but most of me knows that I'm not that bad, and that hospitalization would ruin my education and therefore my career. It's the wrong choice, but I want to throw up my hands and quit. Quit life. Hell, I've already basically quit, but I'm still here, occupying space, consuming resources, and accomplishing nothing.

*sigh* I don't know what to do. I can't go on like this. It's going to ruin me for good. I need help, but I don't think the kind of help I need exists. I feel like I can't be helped.

Sorry about the grumpy vent. I just didn't know where else to turn that I might find a compassionate listening ear.