I feel bad....very bad that I don't enjoy going out with mum....It's so stressful to be with her....she gets angry at people at situations....she gets rude sometimes....

I had such a long day today.....I took her to Palm Spring...shopping, gambling and dining....It was okay....very hot....however, she had a good day, but not necessary a good day for me....

unfortunately, it's so difficult to deal with my mum....I love her so much, but I don't like any of her behaviors at all....I don't say anything to her and she had a good day which is good....but I really don't enjoy my time with her....then I feel so bad....I think I carry guilt on my shoulders....

It's just so scary being with her, because I have to be careful she doesn't get angry....if she gets angry, she does stuff that it's out of control and embarrassing....such a shame....so, I'm always supper careful with her....I know how much she loves us, but her behaviors are bad....I told her nicely if she can see a therapist....I really hope she does that....she agreed....

she told me she was so angry after my dad passed away, because she didn't know anything to do....she said even writing a check was difficult for her....and then she was blaming it on my dad.....I don't buy her excuses at all....she was spoiled and pampered, never worked in her life....my dad was so liberal, he would not have said anything if mum wanted to work or do something....that's why I don't like when she blames dad for such a thing....

she told me how much my dad loved me and she said, she told my sister to be nice to me because that's dad's will and she told me again that I was dad's special child...I hold back my tears and I thought how much I miss my dad....He had such a good heart and he was so good to everybody.....I just miss him so much.....and honesty, I'm amazed how he lived with my mum for 40 years.....I'm such a bad daughter....but my other sisters think the same way....

mum has a good heart, but her anger is ruining everything she does for people....and she looses all her friendships and relationships over anger....because whenever she gets upset and angry, she says something that people won't forget.....she told me how lonely she is....even her sisters are not calling her or visiting her....I wish I could have told her "mum, you got to fix yourself....It's not them, it's you who make people to stay away from you!".....I wish I could have told her....I wish....

sorry for the long rant....I needed to take this off from my chest....feel so heavy on my shoulders....feeling guilty!
love you all
Marjan