Oh my Lord do I relate to you guys. When I have a confident moment, I'll think, I'm a decent, intelligent, honest person, surely someone out there would love me (in a romantic relationship I mean - well in any relationship - I've lost everyone!! lol). But when I'm down, like I am today, I think, no decent, intelligent man would want me with my massive baggage and incapacity to work etc. and any man with as severe problems as I have wouldn't be a good fit as we'd be too sick for each other!! I haven't been in a proper relationship for 15 years. Up until 11 years ago I was a blackout drinker, so aside from 4 years with a great guy in my 20's, and sleezy contacts with men when I was drunk, there hasn't been a decent man in my life - any man for that matter, for a long long time.

I'm 43, 44 this year so the path of my addiction (11 years sober), my mental illnesses and long-term mis-prescription by psychiatrists has meant I'm too old to have kids. I have such deep and profound grief over that, although I am glad I never had kids like my parents did, to drag them through such horror of an alcoholic home, that their four kids ended up alcoholics with mental illness. It doesn't stop the pain though - it's visceral, it will be with me to the day I die, even if I find other ways to be a mother, like with little Teddy Bear the Cat (all 2.9kg and 10 years old of her - a miracle of the Universe), or other ways like being a volunteer etc. I've had to start learning not to talk to people about this subject in real life though, as the things they say just rip my soul apart - they readily quip - "Just get some guy to get you pregnant", "Just do IVF", "Just get a baby from overseas like they do in Hollywood". And often these suggestions are given with peals of laughter. Yeh, it's really funny. So I'm on a journey to find peace on that one.

One advantage of being a "woman of a certain age" and past the point of being able to have kids, with dating, is that I am no longer in a hurry to find someone in terms of the biological clock so I can take my time. I can choose if I want to date casually, be open to a longer term relationship - or be a Cougar!! lol