Jax that was a huge problem for me when I was first hit with depression two years ago and it still is an issue with me now.

I had many very close friends and I thought I was the luckiest person in the world because of how close, honest and endering they all were. A long time ago I made a decision about my priorities in life and decided that people were the most important thing, as a result I have always been someone to respond to an emergency, at times I have been in fights with my employer over the amount of time I was spending helping friends in crisis but it was what was important to me. I always realized also that a lot of people are uncomfortable in crisis situations so I always made an effort to step up with hospital visits, uncomfortable conversations, etc when I could.

When I became ill none of it was reciprocated. I hardly ever hear from these same people, when I do it is all very "on the surface" like a "wish you were here" postcard without any acknowledgement of what is going on. Most often they just don't respond at all to any contact from me. When I am in contact with some of them, they reassure me that they love me and they care even though they don't ever speak to me "they are always thinking of me". What the F*** good is that to me? I am completely alone, without contact, but gee, at least I know they are thinking of me while they are ignoring me?

I have been isolating myself again these past few months and in the past weeks when things began to get very bad again I did force myself to make some contact to a bunch of friends but not only have I not had any results I haven't had even any confirmation that they received contact from them at all... I haven't heard from a single one of them.

I feel very alone and betrayed. I am sure there are people out there who would treat me better but I am in no condition to go searching for new friends in the state that I am in or have been in for the past two years. That's another catch 22... I don't think I'll be able to work on getting support until I don't need any support anymore. Not that that won't benefit me in the future of course, but for now it leaves a lot of feelings that are hard to deal with.

In fact I may send some more emails out today if I can get to a point where I can write without being angry.

As another very beloved member here would say: "GGGGRRRRRRRR!!!"