I just needed to get this out, so please bare with me, this is a bit of a novel, my apologies beforehand
I've always been known to be a bit on the "moody" side, U never know what you gonna get, sometimes you just have to "brace yourself" for my reactions, mostly people tend to walk on eggshells around me...
The last few events and emotional reactions have lead me here
and on the path to enlightenment and hopefully HELP
I have taken the time to record my emotions and reactions over the last few weeks.If it is not too much too ask, please take a moment (or 2), to look at life through my emo eyes...
3 May 2010: (
without any apparent trigger)
Went berzerk at work, through a hissyfit, stormed off home. Where I continued to cry, cut, and argue (outloud) with myself. Feel usless, lonely, angry, rejected, abandoned and useless, zero appetite. (very scary experience, the worst so far, because I scared my poor 6y.o daughter and it felt like my personality was unravelling... this led me to seeking help) Woke up 1 morning in the midst of a panic attack (
not nice to say the least!) Was buried under my blankets,sleeping my time away, which is not unusual when I'm depressed... Worst of all, I had
ZERO inclination to do ANYTHING WITH/FOR my daughter, if I have to be brutally honest...I actually couldn't stand her for those 2 weeks
I suck I know, but it really wasn't intentional.
Then as suddenly as that "episode" started..
BAM
15 May 2010: At around 22:00 I started laughing at my younger brother and his friends who REALLY was not as funny as they seemed to me, feeling energetic and ecstaticly happy!!! Only slept for 2hours that morning, and proceeded to feel like this:Couldn't stop talking, moving, singing, dancing, fidgeting... Felt invincible
Loved myself, and everything else. (didn't even hate my job 
) did everything at superspeed couldn't concentrate much (I thought I had brilliant concentration before now) Did alot of fun things with my daughter (especially to make up for the 2 weeks I had unabashedly rejected her) and only slept for approx. 3.5 hours a day. Was however very irritable and anxious by 3pm nearly everyday... Body ended up exhausted, but my mind just kept going... Also noticed that I was hot alot, I'm usually very cold. Spent my paycheck in ONE DAY, against my usual better judgment, I ran away from work early on more than 1 occasion, fully aware that I could get into serious trouble (but not caring at all).
27 May 2010: Was still feeling fine, but my deceased brother's GF reminded me in an unintelligble way that it was to be his birthday the next day...
Needless to say, I completely flew off the handle
I was filled with so much rage, I was sure I was going to explode/implode.
Anxious, rapid erratic breathing, HOT (1ce again,I'm usually cold) Still couldn't sit still, but the rage ended up bringing me to tears and I ended up crying and crying until I could cry no more... (did feel better the next day tho)
29 May 2010:
Now I know you might think I had reason to be sad on this day, with my brother's birthday the previous day and all that, but that wasn't the reason, and this just made me feel worse about myself...
Woke up crying, didn't want to eat, spend time with my daughter, or even live. I was so inexplicably sad about being ME... I felt so utterly useless, and isolated. I just felt like giving up. I wished for someone to understand what was wrong with with me, to hold me and tell me I'm gonna be alright, and then I sobbed even harder, because there is No such someone out there... I felt complete anguish for being me ( the person that normally does not take ne1'z BS and judgment about being me) I felt like a waste of space. Completely hopeless, like I was doomed to spend my life on this emotional roller-coaster, without an instruction manual or tutorial, without a rest stop, without understanding... (the lack of understanding hurts the most, I feel like I'm always justifying or apologising, always on seemingly deaf ears. Like they make the right murmurs, but don't really get it, or don't particularly care, and
worse, I can't blame them, because I don't even understand = MORE TEARS, ugh I'm pathetic) and no matter how much my logical self tells me "there are people who care" my emotional self ignores that, or ends up feeling worse for some reason, like logic is telling a blatant lie or something...
30 May 2010: Today, I don't feel much. Not even freaking about my appt. Friday, just feel like an apathetic blob, which is the opposite of what I perceive my authentic self to be. I know it won't last long, "this" never does, but I thought it best to add it...
Any thoughts, insight,advice or empathy very welcome...
Or am I just weird and stuck in my own emotional bubble?...