Sad and confused this morning. Questioning and doubting everything. What if everything I'm doing, thinking, feeling is wrong? My grandmother lived into her 80's. She survived an abusive and violent life - a life way worse than mine ever even came close to being. She never went to counseling. She never took medication. She was miserable, but so am I. She survived. I don't think I'll live to be 80. I don't want to live to be 80!

Why try to "figure" things out? Why try to "get better?" For centuries, people just dealt with the cards they were dealt and moved on - many people still do. What makes me think I have the right to stop everything to "get help?" There are people with debilitating physical illnesses - illness from which there is no recovery, no choice. And here I sit - able bodied - doing nothing. Why can't I be stronger? Why can't I push myself more? I did everything I needed to get done before...so why not now? I hit a bump in the road and allowed myself to fall to pieces.

What if I'm doing everything wrong? What if I'm making everything worse? Why shouldn't I just ignore it all and go back to living, working? Quit therapy. What if I'm digging myself into a deeper hole? What if therapy is nothing more than a creative way to self injure? It certainly hurts. What if I never get any better, only worse? What if there's nothing wrong with me (okay, not nothing - that ship has sailed! - but not DID)? What if I'm making a big mistake? What if I'm allowing myself to be "sicker" than I really am to justify not working, not succeeding? What if it's mostly just an excuse? Why can't I go back three years and do things differently? What if it was only my poor choices that led me to this place - not an illness? What if the choices I'm making now are leading me down an even more treacherous path - one that leads to nothing?