Was kinda weird on Friday - We got into pairs to discuss (more) of our twisted up beliefs and thinking. So I looked at "phobia of anger". My rationale is that anger = violence. "why?" because I've been hit too many times, nearly strangled, grabbed and pinned to a wall and then back handed in the face when i started throwing punches, slapped, spanked waaaaay too hard as a kid where hand prints were left for hours.... need i continue.... no. The T was standing there while my partner (who sees her for individual) was asking me the questions. At each answer, he just turned and looked at her - flabbergasted. @_@ She said things like "that's terrible, kiya". So much for "normalizing one's experience". They asked me things like "haven't you ever felt safe (uhhhh); what would happen if your feelings were hurt? (i'd ignore it and walk away)"; the T asked me "what if I said to you 'Kiya, what you said hurt my feelings', what would you say?" I turned beat red and said 'I'd be devastated!!! Why would I say something like that?' Again they just both stared at each other. *shrug*
But T left and my partner kept talking... he asked me how my heart felt - huh?!? I told him i have a disconnect from my emotions and my head. He then asked me what my favorite food was. I said Ben and Jerry's Phish Food ice cream. He had me think about how my heart feels when i eat that (i tried to get out of this uncomfortable-ness by saying that I relate first intellectually, then physically - but not emotionally; He is just the opposite. But he persisted and got me to sort of understand the *feeling* of how i feel when I eat that.
Well, this weekend I got to experience this new (dare I say concept?)... feeling. I was out of town, on a back bay on the coast; there were blue herons out there hunting for food, birds chirping all around, a bit of a sun break, and the wafting smell of marsh, the ocean air, newly mowed grass, alfalfa grass and sweet grass. My heart felt happy =) like eating my favorite ice cream.