I have been having suicidal thoughts. I cant bring myself to really explain what has brought this on. I think, even if i try, it is a complex set of reasons and cannot be fully explained in any case.

People say that those who take their own lives are selfish and do not consider others in their lives. Here's what i feel - Yes there are some individuals who would be devasted - but somehow, I feel that they would understand. Deep down i also think that God understands suicide in some instances. Yes He gave me life, but i dont think i am able to do justice to it to have deserved life in the first place. I think my husband would only be devasted in a superficial way - ie, stigma of his wife's suicide, not having a companion (i think he could be with anyone else really), and not knowing what to do next (wrt should he remarry or not)... And then explaining the whole thing - "oh she didnt seem depressed" or "she seemed so happy" etc. It will be "inconvenient" to him. My sister, having been to similar dark places like I have will, understand, I am sure of it. My mother is who i worry about the most. She will be truly hurt, and i wouldnt want that, but somehow that doesnt seem like a truly valid reason to keep living. i DO respect life - everyone's except my own - because i feel like an obsolete program in an operating system. A program written for a function but one that failed to operate as expected or required.

It isnt so much about commiting suicide as it is about wanting to die. I have no issues, with driving badly (in case i have an accident and die), getting ill and dying of some disease, being killed by a murderer or by terrorism...I would even like to develop some debilitating mental illness and be committed to an institute - relief from awareness of myself... In fact, the thought brings a sense of relief.

I am tired of looking for the good in day to day life. i try and have tried before. keeping busy with hobbies, or spiritual things. I still feel useless and pointless -a functionless waste of time. I watched a bird flying around from the 5th floor of the building where i work. it was pretty and peaceful and free. But these little bits of life's happiness mean nothing to me. I looked further to the 25 story high rise nearby and wondered "I have access to the roof of that building - i wonder if it is true that those who jump off buildings die on the way down and not when they hit the ground?"

Some people say "there is always a solution" - but i dont care that there may be one. I dont want one. I want peace and quiet.

I havent told my psychologist any of this. I dont feel like "seeking help" - i feel like this is the state i am "meant" to be in. Some would say i must get help for this - WHY? So i can keep living a marginal existance and wait for a "natural" death??

I am sorry if this is difficult to read. I dont speak to anyone about these things. I prefer anonymity. Besides, why should i burden those close to me. I feel that if i tell them they will try and unconvince me of how i feel (which i think they feel is what they are supposed to do)- sorry but that didnt work the last time.

Again, im sorry if this sounds harsh. I need to know if this is how others have felt before...