I have been going through quite a rollercoaster lately...and I feel like I'm in a tornado of emotions that I'm dodging. So, I'm just going to stick to one at a time and try to explore them....(Thanks for indulging me, )

T is away this week at a conference relating to his work. I am not angry with him for being away or for not being able to have my session this week or group T. I was upset the other day about him being away because I felt myself sinking, the depression looming, and it was upsetting to feel that he wasn't around to support me - even though I struggle with letting him "in" to support me. UGH.

Anyway...

I keep thinking to myself that I don't need to go back to T next week. Give myself a break for more than just this week....I then started to explore why I would want to do that....Here are the ideas I've come up with, but I'm struggling with allowing myself to "feel through them" to see if they fit. *sigh*

1. This one I KNOW....I don't want to face having to talk about the email exchange that we had prior to him leaving, which he said we would talk about in my next session. I told him in this email that I was feeling anxious and jittery - and am not sure if it was related to him being away - but that I get upset when I think about it. I am avoiding the idea of having that discussion with T.

2. I want to feel independent. When I come to PC, I know that others are genuinely supportive because they are like me, with similar issues or feelings or experiences, and can really relate. It's different with T. It's such a different level of power, I guess...and I don't like feeling less powerful.

3. This one's a bit immature....but maybe I want to be missed. I want someone to feel concerned about me....It's silly, I know. T does care about me. And my group members care that I am there, although it's a different kind of caring.

4. I want to run away from being in touch with my emotions. I am angry that all this stuff is festering and I am too fearful to explore the real issues...so not going to T or group T would allow me to not feel....

I'm sure there could be other reasons....but if anyone has any feedback, I'd love to hear it....I am not sure all of the above fits...as I mentioned, I haven't given myself permission to explore the feelings to see if they fit....