I'm just having the worst day with the ED. I know I don't have to say much to convey what I'm feeling here. It's like I look in the mirror and just see something totally different...like a totally different image. I don't think it's BDD...maybe. I see a much larger me than other people prob. see. I think I was so used to being so thin that the weight I have put on to get me healthy is just...god. Hard for me to accept or deal with.

I hate that none of my stellar wardrobe fits. BF took me out to Vegas last year and got me a whole new wardrobe! A girl's dream (well, it was great) - and I can't. wear. any. of. it. I usually sit around the house in ratty sweatpants, anyway. I only go out a few times a week =P

Like, GOD. Please don't think this is snotty...I went from feeling horrible about myself, being broke and depressed to having the time, money, etc. to eat right and take care of myself - all because of luck. Not because I did anything to "deserve it". Imagine my horror at not being able to control myself after I get the 1 in a million chance of living the life I've always dreamed of. And I can't enjoy it because I obsess about my weight/food. I'm having to learn how to actually eat like a regular person because the bipolar isn't cutting my appetite like it used to. I'm living on a lot of veggies so I can still feel full...but then I'm constantly thinking about food because I have to eat more frequently...and plan it. Used to, I'd ignore it for days, then I could eat whatever I wanted and enjoy the heck out of it =(

Sometimes I just wish my bipolar wasn't under control so my weight would be controlled with the depression =( That's awful, isn't it.

I want to scream. I hate that I have so little self control. I hate that I can't be happy with where I'm at...I mean...really?!?! Everything else is great and all I can do is be miserable about being healthy. Oh boy.

Why can't I be grateful for everything going on in my life and everything I have?! The weight I've gained is no big deal for the average person. It feels earth-shattering for me.