((((((((((MUE))))))))))))

It is SUCH a pattern for me to decide in the middle of T's vacations that I am going to take a longer break, or even quit therapy altogether. We're in the middle of a two-week break and I think this is only the first or second time we've had a long break where I haven't had that urge (yet, anyway!!)

I think for me, when T would go away, I would *have* to shut everything down to get through it. And having everything shut down would feel like this huge relief...it felt FAMILIAR, it felt like how my life was for all of those years before therapy. Not "good" really, but just "normal". I would get into that place and then want to stay there, because it felt so much safer than being vulnerable and open and raw and honest with T.

I try to remind myself why I started therapy in the first place. Shutting everything down wasn't working for me anymore, and things were getting so dark and so hard. I don't know how long it would take me to get back to that place, but I know if I am shut down, I would get there.

I think that what is different this time is that I've been in therapy long enough to feel somewhat safe (SOMEWHAT) staying open and vulnerable even without T here. It took a long time to get here though.

(((((((((((MUE)))))))))))) T vacations are hard.