I've had a HUGE 7 days as I had to surrender that I need to defer the University course I was doing because of the combination of the terrible service levels of the Uni, from so many different aspects or contacts within the Uni for the 6 months I have been dealing with them since December, coupled with the finite nature of how much stress I can handle due to my serious mental illnesses.

One good thing is that I got through the first subject really well, so I know I can handle it from an academic point of view - and this is a whole different field of study to what I have done in the past and what I did for my previous career before everything went belly up and can't work anymore.

The decision to defer was the right one, but I knew there would be a huge downward bump, ie Bipolar Depression to follow - it always does happen when there is a significant life event like that, and because I don't have much of anything else in my life these days due to my mental illnesses and all the losses I have incurred, a loss in a single area really has an impact and I focus on it more than I'd like. I'm on the Disability Support Pension (Australia) and live alone.

I had really enjoyed doing the subject I did do and I had felt a lift in self esteem and the intellectual stimulation - and those are the things I was seeking from the course - as well as contact with the students and lecturer, but that didn't eventuate as the Uni cancelled the On-Campus component at the last minute.

I'm posting toinight (Wed. night Aussie time) because I feel so absolutely devastatingly lonley. I have lost my family and friends due to my mental illnesses and as an 11 years sober alcoholic in AA and in full active recovery with my psychiatrist and 2 psychologists, I've had to turn some family away as they won't seek recovery and I can't deal with their aggression and passive aggression. I have three brothers and they are all scarey in different ways.

I'm lonely too because when I went to see my psychologist on Monday, I was hoping for support about the decision to defer from Uni. I've been telling her for weeks that the situation with the Uni was causing an unsustainable level of stress, triggering massive and continuous panic attacks and anxiety and she knows that that always leads me ultimately to major Bipolar Depression. Sleep problems too despite massive night meds. And I've told her over and over that I must manage my Valium PRN very carefully as I am an alcoholic but she and my psychiatrist are usually suggesting I use more of the PRN than I am comfortable with.

She is usually amazingly supportive of me, but when I'v e posed the potential for me to defer in recent weeks, she's just ask again and again, "Are you sure, are you sure??" Indicating that I should try to deploy even more personal emotional resources to try to continue the course when what I was telling her again and again that I am TAPPED OUT and have no more resources to offer. So when she said it AGAIN this week, after this has been a long-considered decision, deeply thought out (and she KNOWS I make really well considered decisions), I felt really invalidated and just, sad and by myself.

I know that I can't go to her with everything and expect her to have the same opinion as me - part of the point of a therapist is to have alternate views, but I had explained to her in depth over many weeks the scenario and the irony is that she was VERY frustrated on my behalf about how lacking in accountability the Uni was and all the duck shoving of responsibility there was. So I guess her responses were contradictory. That's OK too. People don't get all their ducks in a row all the time and that includes the best of therapists.

I had done a one page typed journal entry about the scenario and that helped get across everything and all the things I had considered. But I had to remind her that just over two years ago I was at Ground Zero. I had to drag myself up, not just without the help of family, but with their active aggression and passive aggression.

And last year I tried to go back to my former lon-term career and couldn't do it anymore as it's pressure laden and I can't handle pressure any more. So to have dealt with this University with complex and irrational interfaces with them over 6 months and complete a full subject and pass (and I haven't done University study for over 11 years - when I was unmedicated and manic and that helped propel me through Uni back then) , is a REAL achievement for me. But it was me reminding her of that, not the other way around. So, I need to be patient with her and also accept that sometimes, when the **** really hits the fan, therpapists can be out of their depth. It doesn't mean she not a good therapist the rest of the time, on the contrary, so I have to remind myself of the big picture and the fact that normally, I see her as one of the best therapists I've ever had.

I have one friend left who lives a long way away, but I can't call her tonight as I have spoken to her twice in the last week/two weeks when I've been intensely emotional and I don't want to burn her out as a friend. So here I sit, sending a message out into the ether to people all around the world, and no-one to talk to in real life. That friend is an AA friend and maybe I wasn't having such a meeting of minds with my therapist because alot of the wisom and learnings I have gained in 11 years in AA have helped me through this situation, rather than the therapy side - some life situations will relate to AA, some to therapy and some to both. So maybe that's also why my therapist and I were on different wavelenghts. But my AA friend and even my local AA group TOTALLY get it. Being honest about my own limitations etc - all good AA stuff.

Sorry this is such a long post but I have so much to say and no-one to say it to.