I was thinking about how I have changed since starting therapy. Well.....I have been in therapy since I was 19 and I am now 51.....

I dont think I would have grown up had I not had the direction and comfort I recieved from the therapists I have had. I might have stayed an addicted, immature, confused, angry little girl. Or I might not be alive.

I have been able to join (somewhat) mainstream society! I gave up pink hair for a family and kids.....

I guess looking back what strikes me is that the times I make the most progress was when I wasnt aiming for perfection. I allowed myself my path. Most times, and I really mean MOST times, it was 2 steps forward and 1 step back. And that had to be okay and it has to be okay today.

I gave up the idea of being a finished product. That I can change and become more honest and closer to people and more intimate with people and myself throughout my life. Its not a dress rehersal here.....my life is in the moment and I can live those changes at any time. Each moment is a new opportunity. Each mistake is new opportunity to do what feels better next time.

I think one of the major ways I have changed in therapy is that I have learned how to become honest with myself. And this is truly an ongoing process. I am not always aware that I am not being honest because I am so used to hiding things from myself. It is a slow process that has taught me to slow down and see where I am at- be that with my children (teens especially), my relationship with my husband, or with my inner self. I guess therapy has taught me how to be aware. Especially to be aware of when I am not being aware.

Another thing I have learned is that it is okay to be a beginner. That I dont have to know what I have not been taught. If I dont know, its okay to not know. Its okay to be a learner and to be on a path. That the answers will unfold for me when I dont force things. To trust and let go of trying to control the outcome.

Probably all of these things are an ongoing process....that I am not an end result. Not yet....and maybe I never will be....or maybe I dont want to be. I hope I am still learning at 100.