well, kind of. i don't mind living alone, or being alone, i just don't want to be lonely. i have a fear of having no friends, no male companionship, no one to do things with, and not being available on the days when there are events i would like to attend going on.
working overnights, without the possibility of weekends off, has put a damper on all of that. most of friends from my previous job just don't call anymore as i can never do anything that i am invited to.
i got married at age 36, and except for a 4 year live in relationship that ended in disaster, i've always lived alone, so that is not an issue to me.
and yes, i've always had self esteem issues. i had an emotionally abusive father who never missed a chance to let me know how ugly, worthless, and stupid i was.
i think that's probably why i have a "thing" for emotionally unavailable men, like my fwb. my husband is exactly the opposite.