Hi KV_SA and welcome to PC.

I'm sorry that you are feeling this way and having all these kinds of thoughts. It must be so draining on you and tiring to always be fighting to get through each day.

Are you in therapy at all? Do you take any meds for depression?

From what I have read in your thread, I can see that the depression is lying to you to the hilt. And that's exactly what depression does...it lies to you and tells you all the negative things you may be feeling....it makes you tired and not want to fight for life....it takes away your happiness and leaves you feeling flat or worse.

If you are not in therapy or taking meds, I strongly suggest going to your doctor and telling them how you are feeling. You do not have to suffer like this all the time. I really hope you can find some strength and please know that no matter what, if you decide to end your life, other lives will be impacted more than you know. Questions will never be answered because you are not there to answer them. Blame will be placed, and very possibly in the wrong place or on the wrong person. Their lives will never be the same again and they will always wonder "Why"????

Please take good care of yourself.

_sabby_