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I get my depressed thoughts and feelings on an otherwise good day. I don't know what triggers them, I guess whenever I think about my life too hard instead of living in the moment...
I'm not fishing for compliments or anything, nor am I suicidal, just describing how I feel.
I am of no use to the world. I'm a waste of time, resources, space, everything. I have yet to find a job as it is, every day I feel myself getting stupider. I had a chance, I've had chances, but ultimately people with better social skills won out in the end. Or aren't cowards. I think of where I'd like to be in life, and then look at my competition which is far more talented and have more passion. I can't compete with that, and I don't want to go through my whole life doing something I hate or find boring just so I can live. I don't see the point in continuing my existence even though I know I wouldn't kill myself. Even though I know it'd hurt my family when I think about them it feels like they wouldn't miss me, or at least get over it soon enough. I mean, eventually they'll want me gone anyways.
Drawing helps the feelings of despair but they don't change the mindset. When i try to disengage this though process with logic it helps a lot but I end up feeling like ****. And I think to myself, what triggers all of this negativity? I don't know. I know I mentioned earlier it's when I think about my life too hard but for awhile I've looked at my future optimistically, and then today is like all that left me and I'm in this vapid pit of sadness. Oddly enough I'm kinda addicted to drawing right now and I'm not as a perfectionist or critical about as I usually am. Maybe that's just apathy, I dunno but it's nice to actually enjoy something I know I do instead of being so wrapped up in frustration that I'm just not capable of producing the pictures in my head (yet?) I bet if I had a keyboard I'd like to play some music and probably wouldn't care if I hit the wrong notes either even though normally I hate hitting wrong notes so much I'd tense up and my teacher would warn me if I kept playing like that I'd end up with tendinitis down my whole arm. Still, it's kind of nice to actually enjoy something.
I feel myself so disconnected to other people. Like I have no social skills at all, I don't understand grief because I don't feel it, I know sadness but I just don't know how to comfort sad people anymore. I feel like I'll never survive "in the real world" because even now when it's like I'm on an extended vacation people would kill for, life overwhelms me.
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