tree,mixedup emotions,and peaches you words along with everyones are so valueable to me and thank you so much from my heary.today i am totally numb and so am able to think a bit .in fact i have been thinking all night and dont know if things are any cleareri really am reading over what everyone has said and it all makes a bunch of sence.but the reality is i let thingss go to far.it is like i was on auto pilot.BAM BAM BAM no going back.i just destroyed everything in my path so to speak.i could never ask to go back to see her.I'm way to ashaimed and humiliated am basically wanting to hide and lick my wounds.I am more then well awair that i have done this all to myself and now i need to live with the outcome of it all.this is all to familliar and ill adapt.but i dont think going back to T is a realistic optionnot only did i burn that bridge i also burnt any material to maby build a new one.this is chain of events as i see them now.

1.went to take care of the mother for 3 weeks of hell(i know i shouldnt have)
MAGOR ,MAGOR issues around that.didnt feel i could talk to T about everything around this because she said it is my choice to go etc...but she is right again i choose this.but still angry at T
2.i come home i am holding it together so tightly with all kinds of stuff going through my head about T and my visit W the mother,people still being mad at me for even going.I am still very raw from the time with the mother.filled with anger and hate etc..im a time bomb.i even had a small melt down 5 min after i got through my door.but it was ok i had therapy in a week and 3 days so i thought.i just needed to hold it together untill then.sometimes just sitting thar in the quiet makes me feel so safe.even if i didnt talk that may have been enough to get me through another week.things could start to get back to normal.
3.made it this long with holding it together everyday saying i have T things will get back to normal no more emotional upheavel.then lastnight she calls to cancel.
4.MELT DOWN BEGINS
i get angry,how could she do this,i dont care about her reasons,im unimportant to
her,i feel stupid for trusting her,wanting to see her etc..the list of spirling emotions
goes on untill i am totally out of controle with them all.this goes on in like a 10 min
period.think back at everything i may have done and said to her and feel sorry and
humiliated about every interaction i have ever had with her.convinced that this
had to do with the reasons she just didnt want to rescedual.it cant be easy for
her to sit in silence week after week.
I feel bad for being angry and out of coontrole.my husband has no idea how to
make it better now im panicing about everyting.
I can never face my T anain knowing wat i know now.i cancel the appointment.
I havnt felt this out of controle in a long long time it was just soo much stress for
so long holdin it together.i totally broke.the only way i know how to cope is with
behaviors.so i SI and numbed myself out totally.
this is my perception as it is right now maby it will change as time goes bye ang i calm down more.hope so but now im still pritty numb and still a bit in shock