Hi Jason,
it must be very difficult struggling with your emotions everyday like this. Have you told a doctor how you're feeling? You need to have a through evaluation, so you can get some relief from this personal prison.

Of course we can't diagnose you, but I hear you have many 'intrusive thoughts' and some delusions. Remember these thoughts aren't true, so don't let them dictate your life. You may just need a medication, to get you feeling better and functioning. Please visit your doctor and tell him/her exactly what you told us. Good luck